I See You.

Dear Ruby,

You are everywhere. Ever since we saw the “Everything will be ok” sign in Palm Springs, there have been nonstop signs that you’re with us everyday, everywhere.

It’s possible that these are eerie “coincidences”. Some might say I’m searching for signs. Maybe I am, but really, what’s the harm in that? Feeling like your spirit is all around us brings so much comfort and hope for brighter days.

These are just a few examples:

MAY 12, 2014: The Social Worker
A few hours after receiving the horrible news, your Daddy and I were sitting in the labor and delivery room when a social worker came in to talk to us. We began discussing what had happened and when we told her your name is Ruby, she smiled and said that was her niece’s name.

A few minutes passed and your Dad asked her to tell us about her niece. She said, “Are you sure?” We were. She told us that she’s full of energy and personality. Then she told us her niece was sassy, just like we anticipated you would be. We figured it must be a Ruby thing.

MAY 13, 2014: The Today Show
The last time I felt you move was when you had hiccups at 6am on the 12th. The next day, early in the morning, your Daddy and I turned on the TV in the hospital for the first time. The Today Show was on and the words across the bottom of the screen made me burst into tears: “What is a hiccup?”

MAY 15, 2014: Spotify
For countless weeks on my way to work, I’d play the same two songs for you between 8 and 8:30am: Let It Be Me by Ray Lamontagne and Make You Feel My Love by Adele.

After we got home from the hospital, we were sitting on the couch with Uncle Ricky talking about how he should be using Spotify instead of Pandora. One morning, a little after 8am, he was fiddling around with his new account on Spotify and accidentally turned on a song: Let It Be Me. He wasn’t aware of our morning ritual, nor is he a Ray Lamontagne fan so I knew he didn’t do it on purpose. Your Dad and I just looked at each other and smiled.

MAY 16, 2014: Note from the Nurses
Figuring out how to decorate your nursery was one of the hardest tasks for me. When I finally settled on the colors (coral, aqua and navy), I was thrilled. But then I decided it needed something else a little girly, so I decided to add butterflies to the mix.

A few days after you were born, we received a really sweet note in the mail from the nurses who took care of us in the hospital. Attached to their card, of course, was a butterfly. We had never told them about your nursery.

MAY 19, 2014: Google’s Homepage
We decided your name would be Ruby several months before you were born. Ever since, we’ve been calling you all kinds of nicknames that you would have hated: Ruby Tuesday, Rubsicle, Ruby Face, Kit Kat etc. Our favorite though (and most used) was Rubik’s cube.

When Google changed their homepage the week after you were born, we couldn’t believe it. I can tell you though, we’ve never been happier to see a Rubik’s cube.

MAY 20, 2014: Target
A few days before your burial, Grandma and I went to Target to pick up a few things. I’m not usually the kind of person who gets suckered into buying things displayed in the checkout line, but this one I couldn’t pass up.

I was already planning on wearing a Ruby red sweater to the cemetery, but when I saw the Ruby Ruby nail polish, I had to have it. Grandma, Aunt Amanda and I all wore it in your honor.

MAY 22, 2014: Red Jeeps & Sunsets
On the way to your burial, the mood was understandably somber. We pulled behind a red Jeep driven by a high school kid with the back window decorated for some sporting event. Written on it were the names of her teammates. One of the nicknames especially caught our attention: Kit Kat. Another one of your nicknames on display – it made us smile.

Later that evening, we went to see the sunset. We hiked up a hill behind the park where we held your baby shower a month earlier. At this point, it wasn’t a surprise to us that the day we laid you to rest, the sky lit up Ruby red.

JUNE 1, 2014: Magical Rainbows
Have you ever heard of fire rainbows? I hadn’t either until we were playing outside with your cousins this afternoon. Your Daddy looked up and noticed that there was a rainbow in the sky, but there was no rain and hardly any clouds. When I got home, I looked up the rare rainbows and found a UT San Diego story calling fire rainbows “the rarest of all naturally occurring atmospheric phenomena”.

Later, I was doing research about stillbirths and came across the term “rainbow baby”. Apparently, it’s used to describe a baby that is born following a miscarriage or stillbirth.

“In the real world, a beautiful and bright rainbow follows a storm and gives hope of things getting better. The rainbow is more appreciated having just experienced the storm in comparison. The storm (pregnancy loss) has already happened and nothing can change that experience. Storm-clouds might still be overhead as the family continue to cope with the loss, but something colorful and bright has emerged from the darkness and misery.”

In other words, a sign of hope. Thank you for giving us signs that you’re still with us in spirit. Thank you for brightening our lives with beautiful, rare phenomena that give us hope and bring us joy. And even if these are all simply eerie coincidences, I’ll look for them always.

I love you Rubsicle,
Mom