Today, I had to find the strength to let family and friends know that you’re an angel. This was one of the hardest letters I’ve ever written, but also a helpful way for me to sort through my emotions.
There are so many people who love you. It’s comforting to know that you’ll live on in the hearts of many.
I love you,
Friends and Family,
For many years, I have turned to writing as a form of therapy. It is with the heaviest heart that I write you this email today.
On Tuesday, May 13th at 4:10pm, our beautiful daughter, Ruby Mae, was born. She was 6 lbs, 5 oz and 19 inches of tiny perfection and just as adorable as I pictured her in my dreams. Ruby had my nose, A’s face shape, a head full of brown hair, 10 fingers, 10 toes and the softest baby skin.
I cannot tell you how much I wish our story began and ended there. I wish I could tell you that I’ve been up all night tending to the needs of a restless newborn. I wish I could tell you I’ve already changed dozens of smelly diapers. I wish I could tell you that Ruby was sleeping soundly next to me as I type this.
Tragically, our precious baby girl was born an angel and an angel she will stay. After 38 weeks of perfect doctor’s appointments, Ruby’s spirit left us without explanation on Monday before she came into this world. As of today, we have no answers as to what may have happened, or why. The truth is, it’s possible we may never know, but we are taking steps to find out all we can in the weeks to come.
To say that A and I are devastated couldn’t begin to scratch the surface of the intolerable pain we are feeling. The loss is unimaginable, it is heartbreaking and it is forever.
And yet, through this unimaginable heartbreak, our eyes have been open to so much beauty over the last 72 hours.
We have never been alone in our grief. Our immediate families literally dropped everything to fly across the country to be at our sides within hours of hearing the news. We were cared for at Sharp Mary Birch hospital by the most compassionate and loving nurses who cried with us. We have been inundated with texts, voicemails, emails, flowers, food, hugs, and endless messages of love from friends and family near and far. When it comes to losing a child, everything else seems so small and the community of incredible people around us have reacted with overwhelming love, generosity, kindness and concern. We are so grateful to everyone for giving us strength to cry, talk and even laugh through the pain.
There have been so many little signs that Ruby’s spirit has been with us all along. One week ago, just days before we received the horrible news, we attended the wedding of two amazing friends in Palm Springs. At our hotel, there was a giant vintage sign and on it the words: “Everything will be ok.”At the time, it was just a pleasant reminder. Today, we know it was Ruby’s message to us to help us stay strong. If nothing else, we have a newfound appreciation for the fragility of life. With that comes renewed energy and obligation to live as fully as possible. Andrew and I are committed to making sure we honor her by taking advantage of this precious time we’ve been given.
So many people have asked what they can do for us and we only ask two things. First, in this age of social media, one of the things A and I are dreading most is having to retell Ruby’s story over and over again to people who didn’t already hear through other networks. To help us avoid that burden, please feel free to forward this to any friends, family, acquaintances, clients or work colleagues you think might be interested. Second, please take a minute today to tell those you love how you feel. Life is so precious and tomorrow is not guaranteed.
Looking ahead, I know that the road will be rocky. But becoming a mom is, and has always been, my dream job. We will mourn the loss of our daughter for the rest of our lives, but carrying her for 9 months gave me the opportunity to realize this dream. We take solace in knowing that we will forever be Ruby’s parents and can’t wait to give her siblings who will do all the things she wasn’t able to.
Thank you for your love and support – we don’t know where we’d be without it.